This quote catapulted me into the right direction. For two weeks now I have been agonising about how to tell Stella I have cancer again and need to go to hospital for a while. I have been levitating daily between the multitude of ways I could deliver the news. Where I would do it, which day, what time of the day, with who else present, using the word cancer, not using the word cancer, half-truths, nothing but the truth? So help me god, my mind so usually clear, all of a sudden had no idea.
In algebra, we solve problems by finding the missing information represented by a variable. In real life, we solve problems by accepting the variable as it is and taking action. I didn’t want Stella to have to watch what was about to happen to her mum and spend her precious time anxiously in search of missing information that had been kept from her. I wanted her to see the variable that had made its way into our lives when we least expected (or wanted) it, look it right in its eyes like her mumma had and say let’s get this problem solved then, shall we?
And so, with the inspiration of one simple quote, I decided to tell Stella the whole truth in all its gory and glory. Fran was correct. Our children get educated well in school academically. But the lessons that deliver the kind of final grades that will see them knock their future well and truly out of the park, are found in the real world. What children really need to learn are the kind of life skills that will be of genuine utility in the face of a practical and personal problem.
After what I have been through, I have zero hesitation in stating that resilience would be the one characteristic I would seek to foster in Stella above all others. Other than embodying the trait myself as her example, as much as I want to protect her from any kind of pain, I knew that this was an opportunity to expose her to real life education. And, allow her the chance to develop her own capability not just to withstand the temporary emotional crush but also spring back to shape once effectively embraced.
It was hands down the hardest thing I have had to do as a mother yet. Her reaction made me equal parts devastated as it did proud. Her movement between natural child-like anger and fear and almost Buddha level maturity, insight and kindness blew my mind. In the heights of her emotional outburst, her concerns pivoted from Dad not letting her eat lollies while I was in hospital to never wanting to see her mum in any pain. From who was going to let her watch You Tube now to how much she needed me to know just how much she needed her mumma.
There was a tirade of tears, defiance, opinions, screams, hugs, kicks, door slams, kisses and big emotions were expressed. I let her sail on her own for a while in the rough seas, kick her legs in angry restless motion as she grappled with the high waves coming towards her. But not once did I move from her sight as the safety buoy that could ultimately navigate her once again to the safe shores should she need me to.
I am so glad I told her. Who was I to rob Stella of the evolutionary purpose that her mum’s health challenge was intended to have in her own life and personal development? The truth is that the truth set both of us free, to grow up. Together.
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